Why Phases of the Moon?

Vol. 5, No. 7 / July 2014

Phases of the Moon, the newsletter of the Maine NVC Network
Volume Five, Issue Seven:
What might we do when communication breaks down?

Our newsletter appears once a month around the time of the full moon. Our purpose is to contribute to the NVC learning of people who have taken at least an NVC Level 1 workshop, and help us stay connected as we endeavor to deepen a culture of peace within ourselves, our families and the world. We believe a Level 1 offers so many new ways of thinking that additional support for learning and integration could be helpful.

We endeavor to make each edition informative, connecting, inspiring and fun. Please let us know how the newsletter might contribute to your NVC well-being..

Contents

• Feature: What might we do when communication breaks down?, by Peggy Smith, CNVC certified NVC trainer
• Upcoming Trainings
• Monthly Empathy Circle: No meeting in August of 2014. Resuming in Sept.
• Opportunities to Volunteer
• Portland Practice Group Seeks Members
• Paid Announcements

What might we do when communication breaks down?

by Peggy Smith, CNVC certified NVC trainer

"HELP!! They won’t talk to me. What can I do?"

Recently on the CNVC trainer’s list-serve, a distress message came in. The list is a place for certified NVC trainers to reach out to each other. Sometimes we ask for help; sometimes we express celebrations; and often we share teaching tools with each other. It’s a way to connect with the global NVC trainer community.

The message that came in began:

"What do you do when you have a conflict and the other party would not talk directly and only communicates via email and then stops communicating? And then s/he stops communicating via email (one of the people in question actually wrote: "I am not interested in talking – unless you will now change what you are doing.")."

Within a few hours the following response arrived from Jeff Brown, of Columbus, Ohio.* I find Jeff’s understanding, practice and clarity of expression exquisite, and with his permission share it with you here.

What comes to me is that I remind myself that NVC is primarily about my inner world and not about external outcomes.

While I have found that living NVC consciousness often leads other people to be more open and collaborative with me, it's not always the case.

Plus, if my goal has anything to do with expecting other people to change their behavior, I am missing the mark about my own intention in living NVC.

The only thing that I can control is my own behavior and my own reactions, so therefore mostly I use NVC as way to get my inner world in alignment with my own values, and that this alone increases my well being.

Occasionally I use protective force if someone is doing something that is actively blocking me from my well being, but my experience has been that these cases are rare for me and that usually, I can become creative and dance around the person rather than confronting them directly.

So my answer to your question about what I would do in a situation like yours is:

• self-empathy / self-connection
• mourning
• make a conscious choice about how to respond in each moment
• request empathy from others

Finally, I remember hearing Marshall say on many occasions that there is no such thing as "not communicating," so I empathically guess that someone who says, "I'm not talking to you any more unless you change your behavior!" is hurting very much and scared to death that they will lose something that is precious to them if they continue talking with you.

Plus, even if they remain silent for a long time – or even for the rest of their life – they are communicating very loudly and I can continue to be in empathy with that, if only silently and inside myself.

To me, Jeff gives a clear example of how NVC can guide us to a place of inner empowerment. . . a place where I am not a victim of others. . . where I can let my innate compassionate nature find its full clear voice. Let us all practice asking for help when we loose touch with that empowerment – and build the chorus of compassionate "voices" by what we do and what we say.

* Jeff Brown is the Executive Director of The Compassionate Communication Center of Ohio.

Peggy Smith is a Center For Nonviolent Communication certified trainer who lives in Lincolnville, ME. She shares NVC in public workshops, at a local correctional facility, and at a variety of Maine businesses. Her business, Open Communication, is located in Belfast, ME.

Further Practice:

1. Watch this short video
   What comes up for you watching this video? If you are willing, send your reflection to us via email

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Why "Phases of the Moon" as the name of our newsletter?
We think of the moon as representing our NVC practice: although we might not always be able to see it, it is always there.
Sometimes we are deeply self-connected to our compassionate self and our NVC consciousness radiates as the full moon. Sometimes we lose self-connection and we steep in judgment and blame; then our NVC consciousness is as hard to find as the new moon. Most of the time we can show our compassionate natures partially, as the waxing and waning of the moon.

We welcome your feedback and contributions. If you have a poem, NVC celebration, or a question for Dear Giraffe that you would like to contribute, please email us with "contribution" in the subject line. Material included in future issues is up to the discretion of the newsletter team.

Newsletter team: Peggy Smith, Kristi Kirkham, and Betsy Terrell

Photo credits, (all photos used with permission):
Eclipse of 2008, © Brad, stockvault.net

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