Why Phases of the Moon?

Vol. 3, No. 3 / March 2012

Phases of the Moon, the newsletter of the Maine NVC Network
Volume Three, Issue Three: What's Natural and What's Habitual

Our newsletter appears once a month around the time of the new moon. Our purpose is to contribute to the NVC learning of people who have taken at least an NVC Level 1 workshop, and help us stay connected as we endeavor to deepen a culture of peace within ourselves, our families and the world. We believe a Level 1 offers so many new ways of thinking that additional support for learning and integration could be helpful.

We endeavor to make each edition informative, connecting, inspiring and fun. Please let us know how the newsletter might contribute to your NVC well-being.

This month's theme is What's Natural and What's Habitual?

Contents

• Feature: What's Natural and What's Habitual? by guest writer Burt Haggett, from Bar Harbor
• Suggestions for Practice
• Upcoming Trainings
• NVC Fun Day & Gathering of Community
• Monthly Empathy Circle
• Opportunities to Volunteer
• HOPE Festival

What’s Natural — What’s Habitual

by Burt Haggett of Bar Harbor, ME

We were watching Marshall Rosenberg’s DVDs, "The Basics of Nonviolent Communication," and he said that we must be careful not to confuse what’s habitual with what’s natural. For example, if I say to myself, "It’s natural to get angry when someone cuts in front of me in their car." Or, "It’s only natural for me to want my own way, it’s my nature." Are these natural or are they habits that I’ve developed to try to meet my needs? Marshall was inviting us to look at how we actually think, speak and act. Are you interested in exploring? Do you want more clarity about how you "operate"?

So what is natural anyway? The first chapter of Marshall’s book is entitled "Giving from the Heart" and provides ways to connect with what’s natural in us. Reading this chapter would be a meaningful place to start. Then, NVC offers so many practices to support that exploration and each of us will find the practices that work for us. The point of all NVC practices is to remind us, help us remember, who we have always meant to be, how we were always meant to express ourselves and listen to others, in a sense to come home to our natural selves.

Here are some practices that have been most helpful for me.

Preparation: I like reminding myself daily of some of the principles behind NVC:

• Human needs are universally shared.
• Everything everyone does is always in an attempt to serve a need.
• Each person is doing the best he can in each moment.
• Everyone’s needs matter equally.

More than just reminding myself, more than simply believing these statements, do I know these principles to be so in my own experience?

PAUSE before acting or speaking and SELF CONNECT. Pausing interrupts the tendency to just do the same old thing and self-connecting provides the chance to touch what we really value in any situation.

How to self-connect? In the space the pause allows, we can do an "inquiry practice."

Examples:

• "Is what I am about to say a response to what’s happening or a reaction to some judgment I have about what’s happening?"
• "What am I feeling right now? What am I Needing?"
• "Am I trying to fix someone or connect with them?"
• "Am I enjoying myself?" This last question comes from NVC trainer Robert Gonzales and has the meaning, "Am I present to what is alive in me right now?"

A part of the self-connection that Robert emphasizes is checking bodily sensations. So, if you’re feeling some tension or constriction, there’s some story or judgment in your mind. When the thoughts in your head are in charge, it makes connecting with the needs and values calling from your heart much more difficult to hear. But the simple act of NOTICING can create a basis for self-empathy, self-connection. On the other hand, if noticing triggers self-judging, simply notice that, feel what it feels like in your body, and inquire: "Are these self-judging thoughts supporting me in my desire to live my life in harmony with my deepest longings?"

So, now what? I’ve paused, connected with what’s "going on in me," and now, having my awareness focused on feelings and especially needs, I find myself in a powerful position to connect, really connect, with others, as Marshall says, "in a way that makes life more wonderful."

For me, the first form the connection takes is an internal one, with two elements. First, suppose you sense some "disconnection" in you; there’s disappointment, anger, frustration, despair or any such emotion in your experience. Stay with the "rawness" of that experience for a while without any stories about it, just the emotion and how it feels in your body.

If you find yourself with self-talk such as, "This feeling is so awful," or starting to think about the story that triggered the feeling, simply notice that and come back to feeling the feeling.

Then recognize: "THIS is what everyone feels when these emotions arise. THIS is what everyone feels when they’re caught up in the stories." Stay with your recognition of your kinship with everyone in experiencing these difficult emotions.

Second, when you are connected with your deepest values, name them for yourself. For example:

• to be seen as you are
• for mutual respect
• closeness
• to give and receive care

Upcoming Trainings

Trainings listed here are in the Maine region. If you wish to list an event, please follow our guidelines for submission. Please note that both certified and non-certified trainers, (who are willing to follow certain requirements of the Center for Nonviolent Communication), may be leading the posted trainings. Listing here does not imply endorsement by the Maine NVC Network of the trainer or the event.

April 23, South Portland, ME
Evening presentation: Bringing Mindfulness Alive in Every Conversation

offered by Peggy Smith, certified NVC trainer
details

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May 4-7, Bar Harbor, ME
Living Compassion: Building Practices & Processes
An NVC workshop with Robert Gonzales

Because the workshop content will be determined by the skill level and experience of the participants,
we request that applicants have a minimum of 20 hours experience with an NVC trainer,
or have been a part of an NVC practice group for a year, or are in an NVC practice group currently.
details and registration
Last year this event sold out.

______________________________________________________________

May 26-27, South Portland, ME
Building Bridges of Connection:
NVC as a practical tool to bring Mindful Speech to all relationships (Level 1)

offered by Peggy Smith / details and registration

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June 2-3, Bangor, ME
Expanding Open Communication

Sat., June 2: Transforming Power Dynamics in Relationships
Sun., June 3: The Art of NVC Dialogue
You may register for either or both of these days. Together they constitute a Level 2 training.
offered by Peggy Smith / details and registration
Please note that the dates for this workshop have been changed, from April to June.

______________________________________________________________

August 6–10, Belfast, ME
Sustainable Communication: The Theory & Practice of Nonviolent Communication

3 credit course through the Peace & Reconciliation Department of the University of Maine.
taught by Peggy Smith / details

 

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Why "Phases of the Moon" as the name of our newsletter?
We think of the moon as representing our NVC practice: although we might not always be able to see it, it is always there.
Sometimes we are deeply self-connected to our compassionate self and our NVC consciousness radiates as the full moon. Sometimes we lose self-connection and we steep in judgment and blame; then our NVC consciousness is as hard to find as the new moon. Most of the time we can show our compassionate natures partially, as the waxing and waning of the moon.

We welcome your feedback and contributions. If you have a poem, NVC celebration, or a question for Dear Giraffe that you would like to contribute, please email us with "contribution" in the subject line. Material included in future issues is up to the discretion of the newsletter team.

Newsletter team: Peggy Smith, Kristi Kirkham, and Betsy Terrell

Photo credits, (all photos used with permission):
Eclipse of 2008, © Brad, stockvault.net; all others © aurelia neutrino

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