"In our daily lives, we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but the gratefulness that makes us happy." - Albert Clarke

How do we express gratitude in NVC? First, the intent is all-important: to celebrate life, nothing else. We’re not trying to reward the other person. We want the other person to know how our life has been enriched by what they did. That’s our only intent. To make clear how our life has been enriched, we need to say three things to people, and praise and compliments don’t make these three things clear:

• First, we want to make clear what the person did that we want to celebrate, what action on their part enriched our lives.
• Second, we want to tell them how we feel about that, what feelings are alive in us as a result of what they’ve done.
• Third, we want to tell them what needs of ours were met by their actions.

I hadn’t made this clear to a group of teachers I was dealing with. We ran out of time …. After the meeting one of the teachers ran up to me, and here’s how she expressed her gratitude to me. Her eyes were shining, and she said, "You’re brilliant."

I said to her, "That doesn’t help."

She said, "What!"

I said, "Telling me what I am doesn’t help. I have been called a lot of names in my life. Some positive and some far from positive, and I can’t ever recall learning anything of value by somebody telling me what I am. I don’t think anybody does. I think there’s zero information value in being told what you are. But from the look in your eyes, I can see you want to express gratitude."

Looking a bit bewildered, she said,"Yes."

"And I want to receive it. But telling me what I am doesn’t give it to me."

"Well," she said, "what do you want me to say?"

I said, "Remember what I said in the workshop …? I need to hear three things. First of all, what did I do that made life more wonderful for you?"

She thought for a moment and said, "You’re so intelligent."

"No," I said, "that’s still a diagnosis of me. It doesn’t really tell me what I did. I’d get more out of your feedback if I knew concretely what I did that really in some way enriched your life."

"Oh," she said, "I got you. I think I understand." She opened up her notebook and she pointed to two things she wrote there that had big stars by them. She said, "You said these two things."

I looked in her notebook. "Yes, that helps, just knowing that I in some way enriched your life. Second," I continued, "it would help me to know how you feel right now."

"Oh Marshall, I feel so relieved and hopeful."

"Ok. And now third, what need of yours was met by those two things?"

"Marshall, I’ve never been able to connect with my eighteen-year-old son. All we do is fight. I needed some concrete direction for connecting with him. These two things you said met that need of mine for some concrete direction."

I said, "Thank you for sticking with me and helping me see how I have contributed to you. It is so much more satisfying for me to know concretely what I did."

You can see, I’m sure, how different it was to hear those three things than to hear somebody tell me what I was. That’s how we express gratitude in Nonviolent Communication.

 

Further Practice

• Try the following:
  
  
  1. Keep a personal gratitude journal for two weeks. In it write a daily appreciation of yourself using the following form:
     (Observation) When I ______________________________
     (Needs) it nourished ______________________________ which I value.
     (Feelings) And when I think about that, I feel _______________________
  
  
  2. After taking two weeks to write appreciations to yourself, take two additional weeks to write appreciations about what others do. (And keep writing one for yourself; it's great for nourishing self-connection and self-appreciation.)
     Remember to include things that others do routinely that contribute to your well-being, things we begin to take for granted. (e.g. cook dinner for us, take the dog for a walk, clean the bathroom, give us a hug, etc.)
     (Observation) When you ____________________________
     (Needs) it nourished _________________________________ which I value.
     (Feelings) When I think about that I feel _______________________
     (Connecting Request) Are you willing to tell me how you feel hearing this?
  
  
  3. After these second two weeks, try expressing gratitude to others in this form and observe how it is received.
     Please consider emailing us an example of the expression and how it was received to the Celebrations Corner for inclusion in a future edition of Phases of the Moon newsletter.


• Read (or re-read) Speaking Peace In A World Of Conflict, Marshall Rosenberg, Puddle Dancer Press, 2005, ISBN 1-892005-17-4


• Attend a Level 2 workshop to deepen your comfort with OFNR and the Art Of NVC Dialogue.

Upcoming Trainings

Trainings listed here are in the Maine region. If you wish to list an event, please follow our guidelines for submission. Please note that both certified and non-certified trainers, (who are willing to follow certain requirements of the Center for Nonviolent Communication, may be leading the posted trainings. Listing here does not imply endorsement by the Maine NVC Network of the trainer or the event.

Sept. thru Dec., Belfast and Falmouth, ME
Intermediate Immersion Group with Peggy Smith, certified NVC trainer

Pre-requisite a minimum of 4 days of NVC training with a certified NVC trainer.
3rd Saturday of each month in Falmouth: details / REGISTRATION
3rd Sunday of each month in Belfast: details / REGISTRATION
9:00 – 1:00 each session
Taught by Peggy Smith, certified NVC trainer

Sept. 9-10, South Portland, ME
Bridges of Connection: Using Nonviolent Communication to Enhance Our Efforts

Taught by Peggy Smith & Karen Groat
This Level One workshop will be focused for mediators, lawyers, social workers and school personnel.
details / REGISTRATION

September 9 (evening), Sept. 30 (evening), and Oct. 1, Portland, ME
Bridges of Connection: Using Nonviolent Communication to Enhance Our Relationships

A Level 1 workshop with Peggy Smith, certified NVC trainer
details and registration

Talk at the Common Ground Country Fair
"Thinking Nonviolently - Building a Future"

by Peggy Smith, representing the Maine NVC Network at the Social Political Action Speaker's Tent
Two opportunities to hear the talk:
Friday, September 23, at 1pm & Saturday, September 24, at 5 pm

Oct. 29 & 30, Norway, ME, 9am-4pm each day

Deepening Open Communication
Sat., Oct. 29: Transforming Power Dynamics in Relationships
Sun., Oct. 30: The Art of NVC Dialogue
You may register for either or both of these days. Together they constitute a Level 2 training.
Taught by Peggy Smith, certified NVC trainer
details and registration