Phases of the Moon, the newsletter of the Maine NVC Network
Volume Two, Issue Four: Needs are Intrinsic
Our newsletter appears once a month around the time of the new moon. Our purpose is to contribute to the NVC learning of people who have taken at least an NVC Level 1 workshop, and help us stay connected as we endeavor to deepen a culture of peace within ourselves, our families and the world. We believe a Level 1 offers so many new ways of thinking that additional support for learning and integration could be helpful.
We endeavor to make each edition informative, connecting, inspiring and fun. Please let us know how the newsletter might contribute to your NVC well-being.
The theme for this issue is Needs. In NVC we use the word "needs" to describe a set of intrinsic, universal energies that exist in every human being (e.g. sustenance, acceptance, understanding, affection). We focus on how a revision of the traditional NVC form might enhance the expression of the intrinsic nature of needs.
Contents
- Feature: The Intrinsic Energy Called Needs
by Peggy Smith, CNVC certified NVC trainer - Suggestions for Practice
- Upcoming Trainings
- Next general meeting of the Maine NVC Network
- Practice Group News & other Network Announcements
- Crossword
- Poetry Corner
The Intrinsic Energy Called Needs
by Peggy Smith, CNVC certified NVC trainer
In a Level 1 workshop, we explore the Nonviolent Communication concept of needs. The nature of needs is the gem of the NVC process developed by Marshall Rosenberg. NVC presents the concept that needs are universal and intrinsic, common to all of us regardless of age, gender, culture, religion, education, socio-economic status or where we live. This awareness gives me a way to conceptualize the inter-connectedness of humanity, and all of life.
In NVC, needs are understood as the vital energy that makes up our humanness, each human having the same set of universal intrinsic needs. We come to see that our reactions to events arise out of these needs, not as a result of the event itself. For example, sometimes when I call a friend and get their voice mail I feel sad and frustrated because I want connection and empathy and prefer to get it from that person. Sometimes when I call that same friend and get their voice mail I feel relieved because I want ease in conveying a message. The event is the same, calling a friend and getting their voice mail, but my reaction is different depending on what needs stimulated my strategy of calling.
As I traveled along my NVC journey I found that thinking of needs as met or unmet did not assist me in creating the quality of connections I was longing for in my relationships. (For a fuller exploration of this concept please see Volume 1, Issue 2
This month I will explore what I have come to understand about needs being intrinsic. Intrinsic meaning "belonging to the essential nature or constitution of a thing; situated in the body." (Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary) When I focus on the intrinsic nature of needs I realize they cannot be counted, seen, touched, taken away or given. I have come to conceptualize them as a river of energy that flows through me.
Since these rivers of life serving energy are universal, they flow through everyone. As a result, I have come to find the traditional NVC form of identifying needs as mine or yours does not fully express the unifying potential that NVC offers us.
When I follow a traditional NVC dialogue form, (Observation, Feeling, Need, Request: OFNR) there can still be a sense of separateness when I identify the needs as belonging to an individual. For instance: "When you didn’t call at the time you said you would, I felt frustrated and sad because of my needs of connection and consideration. Are you willing to tell me what you are hearing me say?"
To me there is an implication that the needs of connection and consideration belong to me; and if that’s true they may not belong to you. So, wanting to follow the invitation of non-dualistic thinking inherent to NVC, it works better for me to re-phrase the example by substituting the word "the" in place of "my" or "your."
For instance: "When you didn’t call at the time you said you would, I felt frustrated and sad because of the needs of connection and consideration. Are you willing to tell me what you are hearing me say?"
On the surface this may seem like a very small change; but to my mind it creates an expansiveness that re-humanizes everyone.
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I have observed, when I find myself thinking about "my" or "your" need, I have not yet received enough empathy for the situation. I am not yet resting in the full beauty of the need - with a full experience of that need’s intrinsic nature. I have come to understand that what benefits me is empathy. Once I have done some self-empathy or had a session with an empathy buddy, I often find that substituting "the" in place of "my" or "your" flows easily within my thinking. Then I feel an expansiveness that brings more compassion and peace within me, with more likelihood of connection with the other person. Peggy Smith is co-founder of the Maine NVC Network and founder/principal trainer with Open Communication
SAVE THE DATE: April 22
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Suggestions for Practice:
Crossword PuzzleThis is a fully interactive online puzzle; we will have a new one each month which relates to the issue's theme.
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~ Poetry Corner
See Me Beautiful
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Upcoming TrainingsTrainings listed here are in the Maine region. If you wish to list an event, please follow our guidelines for submission. Please note that both certified and non-certified trainers, (who are willing to follow certain requirements of the Center for Nonviolent Communication, may be leading the posted trainings. Listing here does not imply endorsement by the Maine NVC Network of the trainer or the event. April 9-10, Falmouth ME: Level 2Taught by Peggy Smith /
details and registration
May 6-8, Brunswick, ME
Taught by Barbara Bash and Imre Berty |
