Phases of the Moon, the newsletter of the Maine NVC Network
Volume Nine, Issue Three:
Zero Step: the intention that we bring to every communication matters to the outcome
Our newsletter appears approximately once a month. Our purpose is to contribute to the NVC learning of people who have taken at least an NVC Level 1 workshop, and help us stay connected as we endeavor to deepen a culture of peace within ourselves, our families and the world. We believe a Level 1 offers so many new ways of thinking that additional support for learning and integration could be helpful.
We endeavor to make each edition informative, connecting, inspiring and fun. Please let us know how the newsletter might contribute to your NVC well-being. Email: newsletter at mainenvcnetwork.org
This month’s theme embraces the importance of getting our intentions clear before engaging in conversation. Our guest contributor, Jim Manske, lives in Hawaii and has had many roles in supporting the blooming of NVC around the work. His article describes a process of self preparation that can support our communication, contributing to more authentic and meaningful connections.
Contents
- Zero Step by Jim Manske
- Suggestions for Practice
- Upcoming Trainings
- Special Announcements
- Poetry Corner
- Monthly Empathy Circles and other Ongoing groups
- Paid Announcements
The Zero Step: What we do before we open our mouths influences what happens next!
by Jim Manske
"Know what you want before you open your mouth." -Marshall Rosenberg
Shortly after meeting Marshall Rosenberg in November of 2000, Jori and I started attending the Community NVC Practice Group in Albuquerque. One member of the group, Mel Schneider, offered the group a lesson he called "The Zero Step." Mel started the presentation by writing the numbers 1 through 4 on the whiteboard:
He then filled in the blank next to each number, enumerating the four components of NVC.
- Observation
- Feeling
- Need
- Request
He briefly reviewed what each component meant. He said something like, "Observation refers to what we see and hear. Feeling means the physical sensations and emotions we notice in our body. Needs are the universal values that cause our feelings. Requests are the action step that moves us forward into making life more wonderful." This was already familiar.
As I once heard Marshall say, "You can learn the basic components of NVC in 5 minutes or less."
Then he went back to the board and wrote a 0 at the top of his list:
- 0.
- 1. Observation
- 2. Feeling
- 3. Need
- 4. Request
And after the 0 he wrote two words
- 0. ZERO STEP
- 1. Observation
- 2. Feeling
- 3. Need
- 4. Request
Intrigued, we all leaned forward. I thought, "What is this? I don’t remember seeing this in Marshall’s book! He didn’t mention this at the workshop we just went to. I wonder what this is about."
Mel explained that his understanding and practice of NVC centered around the idea that "all the rest" of NVC follows from one underlying premise: the intention that we each bring to every communication matters to the outcome! He also reminded us of the ever-present environment in which we practice NVC: the present moment.
In other words, when we take the time and energy to get clear about our intention, before communicating with one another, we increase the likelihood of living compassionately. In the moments before we engage in a conversation, the choices we make profoundly influence everyone involved. When we begin with an intention to connect, we naturally enter into the present moment, the only "time and place" that the connection we so fervently want actually exists.
The "Rest of NVC"
I have come to understand that "all the rest" of NVC also supports our clarity of intention because each component of NVC awakens us to another important quality of consciousness- Openness to Outcome. Rather than pre-judging the moment based on beliefs and images rooted in the dead past or the imagined future, we open to the possibility of something new arising that can make life more wonderful from now on.
In each moment, our consciousness focuses on what is arising with four lenses:
- What’s actually happening, right now?
- What feelings are arising, right now?
- Who needs what right now?
- What might contribute to those Needs, right now?
So the intention of NVC, in a dynamic feedback loop with NVC’s components, creates and sustains a natural quality of connection, a quality that makes compassionate giving and receiving both possible and inevitable. We creatively move through each moment of presence, awake and open to the almost infinite potential of what could be.
What happens if we forget the Zero Step?
With another intention, the same four components can be used at a great cost, one that adversely affects one’s own well-being and integrity, and likely leads to something other than compassionate giving and receiving, a world based on who deserves what punishment or reward. In other words, violence rooted in separateness.
When we view the world through a screen of life-alienated "jackal" consciousness, we live our lives alternating between the dead past and the imaginary future. We fall into habits of:
- Evaluation and analysis
- Separative thinking and moral judgment
- Resistance and addictive attachment
- Demands and expectations
Even after we learn the basics of NVC, we may fall into these mostly unconscious habits. We may begin to use NVC as a mechanical process devoid of warmth and care. We can use the lens of NVC to become analytical and diagnostic. We can try to use NVC to manipulate others to get what we want without regard to our interdependence. We might start judging others for not using NVC "the right way," or correcting others for not being vulnerable enough, honest enough, empathic enough. We might become the "NVC Police" correcting others for using words that are faux feelings or when they seem to mix up needs and strategies.
"We might ask ourselves whether we are more intent on applying the process "correctly" than on connecting with the human being in front of us. Or perhaps, even though we are using the form of NVC, our only interest is in changing the other person’s behavior." - Marshall Rosenberg
Becoming aware of any of these deeply embedded habits awakens us to the possibility of shifting our intention. Instead of an intention to correct, we can shift, right now, to an intention to connect!
What does living this intention look like?
When we shift our orientation to connection in the present, it affects our body, mind and world.
For the body, the intention to connect results in heightened awareness of sensations and emotions which can be read to support us in cultivating our own vitality, ensuring that our body’s needs are nurtured with ever-increasing reliability. We learn to listen to the body and respond compassionately to its requests.
For the mind, we experience clarity, insight and openness to outcome. The safety and security we experience in our body influences our minds to become both vulnerable and empathic. We enjoy each moment as an opportunity to sense fully the whole range of human experience with a respectful quality of allowance. The luminosity of our awareness invites self-connection in the service of life.
With body and mind in resonance, our interactions with the world shift. The separateness we have habitually felt dissolves into connection and compassion. Our willingness to both give and receive blossoms.
Now, we can connect! More and more often we can catch ourselves connecting naturally. Every time we notice a pleasant sensation in the body becomes an opportunity to taste and express gratitude. Each moment of sadness or despair invites us to inquire into the source of our pain: what need is crying, "please!" right now? Each connection to a need invites us to open to the possibility that there exists a strategy (or a myriad of strategies) to care for the needs arising.
Here are some practices to experiment with to connect with The Zero Step:
- Acknowledge, "I am Giraffe" or "I’m putting on my giraffe ears."
- Cultivate Warmth toward self and other
- Care for your vitality as well as the vitality of other(s)
- Cultivate Gratitude
editor’s note: in the near future there will be a feature article on cultivating gratitude - Cultivate interest in what is alive: What’s actually happening? What feelings are arising? Who needs what right now? What might help?
- Mental practice: This refers to a strategy of using the brain’s power of simulation to practice the Zero Step in challenging situations before they happen. I sometimes do this kind of practice just before going to sleep and/or just upon awakening. If I end up in a sleepless period in the middle of the night, one can also utilize the time for this kind of practice. Write down one new thing that you will do to cultivate your zero step.
Please join me in a commitment to live from the consciousness that we are one.
Please, let every word that you speak or type be empathically cleansed of any thought or feeling of separateness before you open your mouth or press "send." (This in no way implies there is a correct form!)
Please, let every word you hear be filtered by empathy so all you hear is "Please" and "Thank you."
Please, let every communication express our common aim of living nonviolence and compassion.
May we remember our vision and mission each and every moment, and measure our own actions (and inactions) in relation to those commitments.
© 2017 Jim Manske
Certified Trainer for The Center for Nonviolent Communication
President, Network for NVC
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Upcoming Trainings
Trainings listed here are in the Maine region. If you wish to list an event, please follow our guidelines for submission. Please note that both certified and non-certified trainers, (who are willing to follow certain requirements of the Center for Nonviolent Communication), may be leading the posted trainings. Listing here does not imply endorsement by the Maine NVC Network of the trainer or the event.
Special Opportunities:
2018-19 MAINE NVC INTEGRATION PROGRAM
is now open for enrollment.
FMI & Registration
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Level 1:
April 28-29, 2018, Lewiston, ME
Speaking Peace
taught by Leah Boyd
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May 4-5, Brunswick, ME
Communication Where Everyone Matters
taught by Leah Boyd
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May 5-6, White River Junction, VT
Life is Relationships – so why are they so difficult? / FMI
taught by Peggy Smith
There is a sliding fee scale for this workshop.
Online payment is available HERE;
instructions for mail-in payment are also at the bottom of that page.
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May 11-12, Portland, ME
Radical Listening
taught by Leah Boyd
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May 17-18, Belfast, ME
Beginning the Journey of Courageous Communication
taught by Peggy Smith
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