Reactivity: Where Does It Come From?
by Peggy Smith

It can be both baffling and amazing how complex human beings are. When I first encountered NVC, I loved the idea that so much could be understood by looking at Universal Human Needs. By using Universal Human Needs I could see my connection to anyone and anything (both living beings and "non-living things").

I have not lost my enthusiasm and love for the NVC outlook. Again and again I experience the relief and ease it brings into people’s lives. Just this week, in the closing circle of a two-day introductory workshop, a man expressed, "In these two days I learned to love myself more and hate other people less." What a gift!!

And I’m still puzzled about my own reactivity. Why does it happen? Why, at times, does it seem irrational and out of balance with the situation at hand?

These questions are getting answered as I learn more about Interpersonal Neurobiology (IPNB) and Parental Attachment Theory. When I integrate what I've learned from all three perspectives, my life and reactions make even more sense. I comprehend an even richer tapestry of what makes my human form respond to life as it does. I find I open up to wider and wider ranges of responses - more vulnerable and more authentic. I feel more inner freedom.

It is heartening to see how the effectiveness of NVC can be seen within the IPNB framework. As the function of our brain’s hemispheres become more clear to me, it is apparent how NVC helps our brains integrate in a balanced way. I have recently enjoyed reading the chapter, This is Your Brain On Emotions, within the book, Meet Me in Hard-to-Love Places: the heart and science of relationship success, by Eric Bowers. I can see how the two hemispheres of our brains work with the four components of NVC.

Our left hemisphere’s functions include:

• Linear & literal thinking
• Processing language – words, definitions, grammar, structure
• Processing the familiar
• Monitoring details
• Tracking facts
• Making sense of experiences, such as cause and effect
• Problem-solving

The left hemisphere is primarily responsible for our day-to-day living – doing the things we know how to do.

Our right hemisphere’s function include:

• Nonlinear and metaphorical thinking
• Processing nonverbal communication
• Processing new information
• Big-picture thinking
• Reading the emotional signals from the body
• Empathy, attunement, resonance
• Intuition, morality and implicit memory

The right hemisphere gets involved when there is new learning. It is the land of empathizing, resonating, regulating emotions and tuning into our inner experience or that of others.

When I consider the four components of NVC, I see that

• – Observation is the realm of the left hemisphere
• – Feelings are the realm of the right hemisphere
• – Universal Needs are the realm of the right hemisphere
• – Requests (problem-solving that cares for Universal Needs) are the realm of the left hemisphere.
• How cool is that!

I find myself incorporating IPNB information into even my basic NVC teaching. It seems to help people grasp the NVC process with more ease. I find myself re-thinking all my curriculums – from Courageous Communication to the Maine NVC Integration Program – so this richness becomes more widely available.

Another aspect of my learning about reactivity involves looking into Parental Attachment Theory – more on that in a future newsletter.

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