Why Phases of the Moon?

Vol. 7, No. 2 / February 2016

Phases of the Moon, the newsletter of the Maine NVC Network
Volume Seven, Issue Two:

Giving and Receiving Feedback

Our newsletter appears approximately once a month. Our purpose is to contribute to the NVC learning of people who have taken at least an NVC Level 1 workshop, and help us stay connected as we endeavor to deepen a culture of peace within ourselves, our families and the world. We believe a Level 1 offers so many new ways of thinking that additional support for learning and integration could be helpful.

We endeavor to make each edition informative, connecting, inspiring and fun. Please let us know how the newsletter might contribute to your NVC well-being. Email: newsletter at mainenvcnetwork.org

This month, guest contributor Leah Boyd explores the every-day experience of receiving feedback, and its inverse, giving feedback.

Contents

• Feature: Feedback by Leah Boyd
• Upcoming Trainings
• Suggestions for Practice
• Poetry Corner
• Monthly Empathy Circles and other Ongoing groups
• Paid Announcements

Feedback

by Leah Boyd

"We learn best when we can see the effect we have on others and the environment
without shame or blame." – Miki Kashtan

According to Merriam Webster Dictionary, one definition of feedback is, "helpful information or criticism that is given to someone to say what can be done to improve a performance, product, etc."

I have a love/hate relationship with feedback. The idea of helpful information sounds good in theory. I would like to have information about how my words and deeds affect others and the larger whole and I would also like to be able to share with others how their words and deeds affect me. However, just hearing the word "criticism" can send me in the other direction fast.

We all long to belong, to contribute and to matter. We also yearn for growth, learning and effectiveness. And because we all have blind spots regarding our own behavior, we rely upon each other for helpful information about our impact. From the perspective of Nonviolent Communication, we are interested in communicating in a way that enhances connection and contributes to life.

Unfortunately, most of us have not experienced nor witnessed a lot of skillfully delivered feedback and therefore we may cringe when someone asks, "Can I offer you some feedback?" We may hear this as, "Can I tell you my judgments of you?"

According to the authors of the book, Thanks for the Feedback, feedback comes in three categories:

• Appreciation: When we want appreciation, we are longing for acknowledgment, to be seen, and to know we matter.
• Coaching: When we want coaching, we are longing to learn, to grow, to improve, and to be supported in becoming more skillful.
• Evaluation: When we want evaluation, we are longing for clarity, information, shared reality and to know where we stand in comparison to others or certain standards.

Since we have not been taught to distinguish between these types of feedback, we rarely communicate to each other what type of feedback we are hoping for. For instance, if I’m longing for appreciation and I receive evaluation, I am not likely to enjoy the feedback I receive. In fact, I probably won’t be able to take it in at all.

When we’re clear about what type of feedback we want, and we request it, we are much more likely to receive information that’s useful to us. Likewise, when someone else asks us to provide feedback, we can ask what type of feedback the person is looking for and respond accordingly.

Another interesting aspect of feedback is that certain conditions can actually block our ability to receive feedback. Examining our relationship to feedback can be a deep practice. According to Thanks for the Feedback, there are three triggers that impact our ability to take in certain feedback. I will refer to them here as the Blocks to Feedback:

• Truth Blocks: Something is "off, unhelpful, or simply untrue" about the feedback, and we may experience it as just ridiculous and wrong. (Example: "Your hair should be green.") Truth blocks may stir feelings of surprise or confusion, related to needs such as truth and shared reality.
• Relationship Blocks: The feedback is colored by our relationship with the person delivering it. Perhaps we don’t trust the person, we have a history with them, we expect them to always be on our side, or we have an "enemy image" of this individual, etc. (Example: Receiving feedback from your ex-spouse) Relationship blocks may stir feelings of fear and hurt, related to needs such as trust, safety, honesty and care.
• Identity Blocks: The feedback messes with our sense of self. It seems to bring into question not just what we’ve said or done, but something more fundamental about who we are as a person. If we let it in and seriously consider it, we fear we’ll start doubting ourselves at a deep level. (Example: You aspire to be a ballerina and an instructor tells you you don’t have the pre-requisite grace.) Identity blocks may stir feelings of anger, fear and shame, related to needs such as acceptance and belonging.

When we are aware of our blocks, and clear about the type of feedback we want to give or receive, we can use the principles of Nonviolent Communication to become more skillful with feedback. So how do we create this "environment without shame or blame" that Miki Kashtan refers to?

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Why "Phases of the Moon" as the name of our newsletter?
We think of the moon as representing our NVC practice: although we might not always be able to see it, it is always there.
Sometimes we are deeply self-connected to our compassionate self and our NVC consciousness radiates as the full moon. Sometimes we lose self-connection and we steep in judgment and blame; then our NVC consciousness is as hard to find as the new moon. Most of the time we can show our compassionate natures partially, as the waxing and waning of the moon.

We welcome your feedback and contributions. If you have a poem, NVC celebration, or a question for Dear Giraffe that you would like to contribute, please email us, with "contribution" in the subject line. Material included in future issues is up to the discretion of the newsletter team. Email: newsletter at mainenvcnetwork.org

Newsletter team: Peggy Smith, Kristi Kirkham, and Betsy Terrell

Photo credits:
Eclipse of 2008, © Brad, stockvault.net
other photo(s) aurelia neutrino

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